I have been doing slightly better of late. I wrote a bit and studied a bit. The winter is setting in and but the cold is tolerable.

I watched 'Kids' (Larry Clark). Maybe it is slightly dystopian, but certainly a relevant film. Then I watched 'Hard Candy' *ing Ellen Page. I wanted to watch if after I watched Juno. Great acting. I thing she will go places. I am currently watching 'Ghatashraddha'. It is a kannada movie about how a father performs the death rites of his daughter (when she is still alive) to excommunicate her. Big time social commentary by Girish Kasaravalli based on the story by U. R. Anantamurthy.

I haven't got much reading done. I finished Chapter 2 of Bhagavat Gita. I started 'The Odyssey' again to find the files were corrupted again. Currently in 'The Sun Also Rises' (Hemingway). I have planned a re-read of Moby Dick, and my first read of Milton's Paradise Lost.

I finally went back to my dermatologist after nearly a year to treat my acne. He had given me some medicines and they helped me, but I got side tracked and was not taking them for months now. My knee, on the other hand, seems to be doing fine.

Done.

Post

I have been pretty depressed for a while. I am not getting much studying done. I officially decided to take it easy on my studies and try to get some writing done.

My knee has been giving me more trouble. I went to he Orthopaedician and he gave me some common pain killers. He said if they don't help I might need some simple surgery.

I am still reading/listening to Bhagavat Gita Chapter 2. I watched Prozac Nation which has Cristina Ricci starring in it. It is a fairly good movie. It is unevenly paced and has an unexpected ending, maybe because it is based on a true story. I watched 'The Counterfeiters' which is a WW2 movie. It is not morose like many movies on the holocaust but consistently optimistic. It is a rather darker adult version of 'Life is Beautiful'. I am currently watching 'Khuda Key Liye' which a Pakistani movie based on terrorism and 9/11. It has an almost amateurist text-book style progress, but is still a very good watch as it keeps you involved.

The shrink is not that bad off late. She is trying to help. I am the stubborn one. I have to admit her efforts, some times a little too persistent, can be at times irritating.

I just came across a sholaka (couplet) which is a coded to reveal the value of Pi to 32 digits. I want to learn it by-heart.

It has been a while

It has been a while since my last post. I have been sort of busy and depressed. I didn't get much studying done.

I finished 'Lady Chatterley's Lover'. It was great. I am downloading a movie based on the book. It is actually a pseudo-porn film by a no good film-maker. I just stumbled across it accidentally, and might give it a watch.

I started reading 'The Odyssey' but had to stop mid-way as the files were corrupted. I am now listening to a discourse on 'Bhagvat Gita'. The speaker is a scholar and learned man but a bit of a pessimist. As much of a pessimist I am, I am finding his comments irritating.

I had a bit of a pain in my right knee. I had to rest for a couple of days and it went away. Now it seems to be giving more trouble. I should probably get a check-up.

I watched 'Matchis' by Gulzar. It is a movie based on the Khalisthan terrorism after Operation Blue Star, set somewhere in the early 90's. Obviously, the songs are great thanks to Gulzar. All the actors are at their best, Tabu and Chandrachur Singh shine all along. I was not particularly impressed by the movie. Perhaps, the changed sentiments after 9/11 and 26/11 is to blame.

The other movie I watched was 'Manorama. Six feet Under'. I was impressed. Abhay Deol has worked very hard to prove that he can act and can stand apart from the Dharmendra clan. Tight plot, good twists, a good thriller. Gul Panag is memorable.

The shrink has failed to impress. I am progressively slipping into depression, and unless she has an elaborate plan into which this fits, she is not doing a very good job. I am slowing begining to be convinced that neither she nor anyone else can help me.

Next on the list is 'The Snow of Kilimanjaro' and 'The Short Life of Francis Macomber'. Maybe some predictable world cinema to go with it.

Dum...Dum...Da...Dum

The writer's course material arrived some weeks back. I started working on them. It is now time to do the first assignment. I hope I shall do a decent job at it. I have been putting off working on the assignment as I have been depressed for some weeks now. However it has not been so bad in the last two weeks.

I got some reading done.

I liked best 'Venus In Furs' by Leopold von Masoch. I have been meaning to read it for quite some time. It is truly a masterpiece of its genre. I can't wait to read more of his works. It makes a simple and clinical catalog of one of the most misunderstood and deep rooted human desires. It is revolutionary even in today's standards, I cannot imaging what an impact it made in those days.

I started reading 'bhavishya purana' or the scripture of prophecies. I have read many quotes and references to Queen Victoria and Hitler exist in the scripture not to mention innumerable mentions of Indian men and kings. It is a large book and will take quite some time for me to finish.

'Anthem' by Ayn Rand was great. I cannot wait to read 'The Fountainhead' and 'Atlas Shrugged'. I gives you great pleasure to read it and in a strange way conveys the almost unimaginable cocktail of despair and hope that her characters go through. I have read one other book by her, I believe it was 'On the night of July the 16' or something sounding like that.

Yesterday, I just finished 'The Communist Manifesto' by Karl Marx and Frederich Engels. It was actually read. I think 'Das Capital' would also be interesting if I find a good translation.

Currently I am reading 'Lady Chatterley's Lover'. I am in the fourth chapter. I am giving special attention to D. H. Lawrence's techniques of indirect narration as I think it will help with my writing.

Next on the list is, The Odyssey, and two works by Hemingway.

I watched a bunch of movies too.

'Do Bhiga Zameen' was good. It is an out and out tragedy, which was an ideal subject for many movie makers for decades in India. It gives a human angle to the tragedy and plays it as a tradegy of men and minds rather that one of fate and destiny. It ends with a positive note, nevertheless.

'Adi Shankaracharya' which is the only feature film made entirely in Sanskrit till date, is a good movie. I was not particularly impressed with the supporting cast, but the lead roles did justice to their roles. The pace of the movie is irregular and leaves the viewer lost and confused at times. At places it changes the narration and inconsistencies creep in.

'Shri Madhwacharya' is much more simple and direct in its presentation. It is based on a single and authoritative biographical epic poem and gives a reasonable idea of his life. Understandably, a man's life that lasted 79 years cannot be put into a 3 hour movie without omissions, but it is a fairly good job.

'Dr. Kotnis Ki Amar Kahani' which is movie on Dr. Dwarkanath Kotnis an Indian doctor who volunteered to fight the Japanese invaders in China during WW2. He was for long considered an icon of Indo-Chinese friendship. These sentiments sort of diluted after the Sino-India war, but it is still spoken of highly in China. The movie, in my opinion, lacked focus and spent more time concocting a love story than speaking of the war that engulfed most of the world around them. Perhaps that is how all the world sees life. As oasis of love and faith in the world that has little but tragedy and cruelty. I am not particularly convinced.

Done.

October the 6th

Stuff has been happening. Nothing of much consequence.

I am currently reading Man who was Thursday. I am barely a few pages into it. I just finished Beyond Good and Evil, by Nietzsche. I liked it. I think I will read Thus Spake Zarathustra asap. Next on the list is Man's Search of Meaning by Victor Frankl. The new shrink wants to try some logo therapy.

I watched a bunch of movies. Aar Par, one of Guru Dutt's early works. I am working up his films to reach his masterpiece Pyasa. Then Mother India. It is supposed to be a classic, I felt it was a little overstated. It is nevertheless a great 70's movie. Then Chaundini Ka Chand, another of Guru Dutt's early works. Do Ankhen Barah Haath, which is supposed to be V Shantaram's masterpiece is what I am watching currently. A great interpretation of Gandhian philosophy. Over the weekend I watched The General (Buster Keaton) a silent movie and Zelary (Ondrej Trojan) a Czech movie on TV. I liked both. That is really a lot of movies, but I plan to watch more. I am getting up early and watching movies as I get ready in the mornings. Further on the list is the original Devdas.

I sent the form for the Writers course one month back. I think they have received it, but I haven't received a reply yet. It is probably one of a very few initiatives I have taken since I went crazy, so as much as I tell myself it isn't, it is a big deal.

My studies are going OK. I sort of fell of the wagon a few weeks back, now I am trying to stick to my schedules. I sort of '''forgot''' to go to the gym a few times, now I am trying not to 'forget', in fact I am going to the gym this afternoon.

I started listening to some rock music a while back on the advice of a friend. Currently I am listening to Black Sabbath. I am not sure I get it. '''Mindless generic Rock''' or Soulful music??? I don't know.

Deepavali is a few days away. The festival of lights blah! blah! I stopped celebrating it years back, now it is just another nuisance and a lot of noise in the streets.

One of the big things that happened was that the water pump in my house was fused. I got it replaced, but is it still temporary. It needs some work and installing but the contractor has been dragging me around. It really annoys me. Woe ye contractor!

A new restaurant opened up near by. The food is spicier than I like it to be.

I am smelling a dead something, outside, for a while now, but cannot trace where the stench comes from. Every time I looked for it, I lost it because it is very windy. I first suspected there was a dead rat or some rodent in the gutters, then maybe some dead bird. Now I am beginning to wonder if some neighbour is rotting in his house. I have no patience or energy to pursue the matter.

Done

Aapa Om

It has been a while.

It has been raining cats and dogs. I am not entirely sure, it is not my fault. Last week we officially declared a flood. Many northern districts are still underwater, many lower riparian districts in Andhra are being evacuated. For the first time in history the entire temple and town of Mantralaya was flooded, with more than 15 feet of water. Raichur, where it hardly ever rains is underwater.

Some people asked... Why?... How?.... I don't think they want an answer. The answer has been screaming in their faces for years now and they never bothered to listen. GLOBAL WARMING. Yes, the same old pollution, CO2 and blah! blah! Quickly change the channel. The reigning seer of the Mantralaya Math Sri Suyateendra Teertha Swami had to be rescued from the roof top of the temple with a helicopter. I wish him well, and truly hope that he or no one else shall have to endure such and ordeal ever. I also wish he shall see the wisdom in protecting the environment. He and his math is active in greenery projects, but that is hardly enough. I did pray for him and also prayed that his prime teacher Sri Raghavendra Swami will instigate him in the path of environmental protection.

Men, mortals and eco-freaks have worked tirelessly for years now to save what is left of nature. And, sadly failed for most of it. What is needed now are inspired men, dedicated masses and eco-freaks. He can play a pivotal role in inspiring the people. We only need a spark to light the fire. He, as a monk, is bound by oath to protect dharma and harm none. He is a wise man, what remains is that he sees the connection.

Krishna Krishna

Jinnah debate is forgotten.

Swine flu is in the back burner.

I am going through a blue phase these days, hence the backlog in posting.

I watched 'Alexis Zorbas'. It was not as good as the book. It was plastic and theatrical in many instances. 'Chrome Yellow' was good. A very modernist work. We can see that the writer in the characters, the plot, the incident as well as in the fallacies, egos..... Obviously, I am finding hard to describe it, but it was good. Now I am reading 'Beyond Good and Evil' a translation of Nietzsche. Its is very good in parts. It is still too early to give a comprehensive opinion. Next in line is 'The Man who was Thursday'.

I watched Mahesh Bhatt's 'Arth'. It is a autobiographical work about his first marriage. Then I watched 'Ek Chalis Ki Last Local'. I liked it very much. I am really glad to see Abhay Deol can act. We can use more actors around here. Off late I am watching some early works of Guru Dutt and Raj Kapoor. I thought they will be a good introduction to their later masterpieces, but am beginning to have doubts. I watched 'Mother India' too. A little too melodramatic for my taste, nevertheless a good movie.

It has been raining cats and dogs since the last two weeks. A record rainfall has been recorded for September already. I hope this continues a little longer.

The annual fortnight of the deceased is over. I read news reports that many fans of Michael Jackson made offerings and prayers on the day meant for accident victims. Although unorthodox, it shows how much of a world phenomena he was, and still is.

The nine/ten day festival has started. Mysore, which is famous for its ten day festival is on TV everyday and we are getting to watch all the programmes. I read that the quality of the festivities is rather dull and poor. It was often said when I was a child that 'a human birth goes futile if one dies without see this festival'. I don't think they say that any more. I have never been to Mysore, but distinctly recognise the throne. It is not particularly difficult to recognise as it is made of gold and weight a ton. I don't think I shall ever care to go.

Done.

I am a little argumentative today

The Jinnah debate continues. Now Arun Shorie has exploded and have many others about the BJP internal politics. I am interested to see what will come of it.

It rained and then it rained and then it rained again. I am almost happy.

I finished Little Women. I wish I had read it as a child. It might have meant, more than it ever will to an adult. I have now started Aldous Huxley's Chrome Yellow. Just a few chapters into it. This is my first Huxley. I think I should try more Proust soon.

I watched 'Sarransh'. Clearly Anupam Kher at his best. I then watched 'Paap' which Pooja Bhatt's movie. She is Mahesh Bhatt's daughter. I see a lot of his influence in her, but she has a style that is unique and in some aspects better than her father's. Mahesh is deeply rooted in Soviet and early 20th century European film makers, and constantly seeks symbolism in his frames. Pooja on the other hand has a far better eye for aesthetics and sets frames that are more fluid, beautiful and appealing. I have to say 'Paap' is not a very good movie. It is about a girl who is torn between her protective father, who wants her to join a convent, so that she does not have to suffer the disappointments of life and of course the boy, with six pack abs and funky haircut, who is also a very good guy. Less than mediocre acting, good background music and locales. Of course, you cannot go to higher Himalayas and, not find good locales!

Next on line is 'Alexis Zorbas' the movie.

I had a long conversation with my cousin last evening about too many things. It is same guy who went to Italy to audition for a music scholarship. He didn't get it but is not trying now trying for some others as they encouraged him to do so. We spoke of many things, but he seemed really shocked at my knowledge of erotica. He agreed that it was interest in human behavior but I doubt if he was convinced. He has led a very closeted life and is not really aware of the worst of human nature. Perhaps it is good that way for a while but not for ever. I see classical early adolescent disenchantment with life (I may be wrong in calling it classical, but this is way too common in the Indian context), but it is a little late as he is 20 years old.

The media has got over the Swine flu. It is no longer headline material, mostly because of Jaswant Singh and his book. I have on the other had got the flu, not the swine flu, but the common flu. My throat is really sore, and I am staying indoors and the slightest draft make me cough like I swallowed a porcupine.

One of the big issues in the media is the infallibility of Nehru and Sardar Patel. I have always thought that the opinions held are far too unnatural and unrealistic. Nehru among all the rest of us was flawed. He messed up the accession of Kashmir, he promised a plebiscite that never happened, he put Sheik Abdullah in power, made a mockery of elections in Kashmir... and so on. His foot-prints are everywhere in the messed up Indian economy of the 70s, not to mention the China and Tibet blunder. To suggest that he was super-human and the angelic aura built around him by his daughter and his party is just silly.

Sardar Patel, was simply a great politician. He is credited, justly, of integrating the 625 independent states the joined to form India. He too was not an super-human thought often called "Iron-man".

A realist portrayal of these men may solve the issue definitively, rather than quoting politically motivated history. Both Congress and BJP have played this game, it is a matter of coincidence that only BJP is involved in this one. Mayavati, in response to the statue row, stated that half the government projects in India are named after the Nehru-Gandhi family. It is an obvious truth and clear dichotomy. For the uninitiated Gandhi here has nothing to do with M.K. Gandhi, instead is the married name of Indira P Nehru who married a man named Feroz Gandhi, who is not related to M.K. Gandhi in any way.

I believe that Gandhi too has to be de-angelised and seen as a man. I had made several debates on the matter of beatification of our idols and the tragedy of its consequences. I shall try to post some of those things here later.

I am watching Mahesh Bhat's 'Sarransh'. I think Anupam Kher is the only actor in bollywood who was bald in his debut, excelling acting though. I am not particularly impressed by the movie. The theme and ideas although very relevant to those days, and greatly appreciated by me in the past, does not reverberate today. Maybe it is just me.

It is still raining. It rained a lot more last night.

The Jinnah debate continues. Hours back, Jaswant Singh was suspended from BJP for this Jinnah remarks. That makes me want to read up Jinnah. What was he all about? I wonder what happened to the Jinnah biopic that was planned a couple of years back.

Swine flu is coming............. There is way too much media attention and panic. It is almost a mass hysteria. It makes me think of Ganesha drinking milk, everyday for a stretch on slow news days. Every circus in town is going around with preventives and old grandmother remedies. I just received my batch of homeopathic preventives, I am not very sure how effective they are. I bought them for my maid too. In fact, I bought them for my maid and got some for myself too. I might survive swine flu, but I am not sure I can manage the house, if my maid gets it.

Stuff

Well, I am not entirely miserable. It rained cats and dogs last night and that has really helped. I forgot to collect Rs.200 from the cashier. It is as good as lost.

Little Women is getting interesting. I watched "A Dirty Shame" starring Tracy Ullman. She has done a really good job. A rather fantastical movie but a nice watch. It tries to comically catalog the post 90s sexual revolution, very much like 'Boogie Nights'. It is not as dark and allegorical as Boogie Nights but a light hearted and simple.

I have not run out of the sweets yet. Indians make obscene quantities and varieties of sweets for Janmashtami i.e. Krishna's birthday and my stock is still running. It may run out in a week.

I today learnt that the medicines I take, can cause cataracts. I have been having trouble reading and seeing far off things for some months now and, this came as a shock. I have to get an eye check up.

That's about it.

Post

The new shrink is not entirely bad. She remembers most of my nonsense. She made me start studying for my exams in December. I started on Monday. I am currently into thermodynamics. My old shrink in back from her trekking trip to the Himalayas. I have to speak to her soon. Nothing much interesting is happening of late. I haven't been out much. It rained a little the last week, but nothing to make me feel better.

Tomorrow is the birthday of Krishna. There will be festivities. The day after there will be a lot of sweets, that is, if I get of my ass and make them. Last week I visited the temple in Ramohalli. It was not pleasant experience the last time I was there as a lot of the people in that village and temple are simple jerks. This time I did nothing but sit and read, and said nothing. It was OK. The temple is actually quite pleasant. People are a lot nicer when you don't talk to them.

I wrote the exam on theology I was speaking about. It went fairly well, or so I thought. On Sunday I got a call form my teacher that I had to attend a oral exam on the same subject. This was entirely unexpected. He then told me that it was because I had done really well and they wanted to talk to me and the oral exam was just an excuse. I went. I spoke reasonably well. They seemed to be satisfied.

I have started reading Little Women. Yeah, I know, I should have read it like ten years back but I just got to it. I then remembered that Beth dies, from the episode in F.R.I.E.N.D.S. where Joey reads it and is heart broken. I am still not really into it. I know it is far deeper than the cutsie-jibber-jabber it starts off with, and I am eager to get to it.

I watched Ardhsatya of Shayam Benagal. It was OK. A little too linear to my taste. Then I watched Bandit Queen. It is a good movie. Phoolan Devi was assassinated in Delhi when I was in school, of course that is not in the movie. Seema Biswas is at her usual perfection, the other actors are great too. I can see a lot of hard work went into making that movie. I finally watched My Mothers New Boyfriend. Not really impressed. Meg Ryan is wasted in this ill planned film. It has a lot of obvious jokes and predictable twists. I am afraid, I am reduced to waiting for the next, Meg Ryan comeback.

I hear the sequel to Transformers has been released. I didn't watch the first and will not watch the sequel.

Saurabh Shukla has come out with a movie. It was initially suspected to be a rip off of Juno, but it isn't. I will watch when I get a chance, just to see if there is a single moment like in his movie The Piano. That movie "The Piano" didn't even go to DVD release directly, it was telecast on TV. It probably made no money, but it was a real masterpiece. It was an actors movie. I have watched it three or four times since.

I haven't been reading a lot of Ramayana. I got really into reading the sarva mula granthas i.e. the collection of the works of the first teacher. I read 20 out of 37. I will get back to reading the Ramayana soon. I think I have been making excuses, and not reading Ramayana enough. May be I will get the new shrink on the job.

The neighbours new kid is cute and OK. I didn't get to see her for long as she was asleep when I visited. I really can't tell if babies are cute or not. I don't think we are meant to. I read that babies understand dogs' gestures and expressions before it learns human talk. That is certainly an advantage as I don't think dogs say mean things.

Henry Miller, horrible day yesterday, new shrink, neighbour had a baby etc.

The new shrink ain't so bad. She told me twice that she was not scared, which was probably because I was trying to scare her.

I had a horrible day yesterday. I just felt so miserable that I couldn't ... couldn't ... do anything. I fell asleep and got up at 11 pm and felt a little better. I made myself a sandwich and went to bed. I am due to take my exam on philosophy on Sunday.

I am preparing for it, but I have a lot more to do. I watched bunch of not so special movies and finished reading Henry Miller. There is something about him that gets stuck on your mind and ... well one of the things that is stuck in mind is, he in one context describes the sunset as, "The sunset was as red and bloody as a torn asshole." I don't know how to feel about it. Any other writer I would have dismissed is as a cheap shocking trick. I remember seeing a video of Miller on YouTube. It was a news clip form somewhere in the 70's where he gave a tour of the streets of New York to the reporter giving a glimpse of his bohemian life. Actually such a reference is not entirely rare. I remember reading a Sanskrit expression where is described, the redness of the water in a lake at sunrise, as being similar to the redness of the water of a lake after a menstruating elephant has bathed in it. I need to read a lot more of Henry Miller, that is all I can make out of this. The ending meanwhile is great. It goes into a hurried narration , very unlike him, and ends in a contemplative note which questions everything in the book, including the purpose of writing and reading it.

The weather is still horrible. It has rained about 5 to 10 drops since last Sunday. It seems to be intently mocking me with rare and big rain drops. I hear the western coast is receiving heavy rainfall. So heavy indeed that some of the cities have shut-down and many villages evacuated. And yet not a drop more here.

I was quite busy the last few days as I had a timed project I had committed to. Now I am quite free. I will be seeing the shrink again tomorrow. So I hope there will be an update.

My neighbour had a baby. It was born merely minutes after the eclipse. I haven't been to see it yet. I plan to wait for 10 days. It is a girl.

I haven't decided what to read next. I want to get started on something today.

That's about it.

Yadi, yadi,...yada

The eclipse has come and gone. Pretty uneventful.

It is a slow news day. I will be seeing the new shrink tomorrow. She has a facebook page with sepia toned black and white photo of herself on it. I don't know what to make of it.

I just realised that I hate twitter. Just hate it.

Haven't got much reading done. Henry Miller goes on. He really easy to read but needs patience to understand, also bourgeois indian upbringing doesn't help.

Is that movie that Howard Hughes 'Hell's Angels' any good. Just wondering. I may give it a watch.

Nothing much has happened

I have been getting progressively more depressed. I have to admit I do feel better on some fronts. I am starting new therapy this week. I have been eating well. I have gained some inches on my waist but am not worried as yet as I am really not in a position to diet or exercise. The inches will have to just stay on till I find the time and motivation. I am taking regular meals which is a big thing for me since the last episode.

I have not read anything of late. I did watch some videos on the Internet but nothing remarkable. I have started watching Ardh Satya. I planned to watch a Mahesh Bhat movie but got Ardh Satya and Saaransh mixed up. Not that this is not likeable. I just found a link for the movie 'Zorba the Greek.' It is now on my 'to watch' list. I have 'Ek Chalis Ki Last Local', 'Maya Memsaibh' and 'Bandit Queen' lined up. I am not sleeping very well. It is probably because I have a blocked nose. The flu I got last week is still persisting. I don't have a fever but I have some cold. I need to take some decongestant.

In all nothing much has happened. I today linked up with some more blogs to follow. I have to see how these work out. I was bored and ended up re-editing my blog. OK.

13 July,...oops 14 July

I had an OK sort of week. My shrink broke up with me, kind of--She found another shrink to take over. It still hasn't started to rain. Everyday I read reports that the monsoon will improve but it doesn't happen. Well maybe next week.

I finished Kama-sutra. It was enlightening. I am now reading Henry Miller's Tropic of cancer. You see, he is wanderer, and so are his stories and books. I am still getting into his grove. He has many unkind things to say buy I am rarely offended because they are mostly true and I would have said them myself if I had a chance.

I started proof reading 'Kadambari' of Bana in PGDP. It is going well. I could not get to it for a couple of days as my Internet was down. It is interesting, although not as I had expected it to be. It is complicated reading as it has an average of more than 6 metaphors per noun, and I have not yet started the hard part yet. No wonder no-one is interested in introducing Sanskrit works into these projects.

The chikungunya has been going around these days. As if that wasn't enough two different kinds of viral fevers are making the rounds. I am not scare of any of them but chikungunya is kind of scary as it causes a lot of pain in the joints. Five years back no-one had heard of chikungunya and now every one has got it. It is doubly unfair as these diseases come with the rainy season and there has been no rain so far.

I have officially lost all interest in cricket. The ashes are going on and I found out only today. This is not new I forgot to watch the IPL final and the world cup final in recent years. I don't mourn. It is perhaps for the best.

I was hoping to watch 'My mother's new boyfriend' starring Meg Ryan. Her co-star Antonio Banderas I am not a big fan of. I was eager to see Meg Ryan's work after a long time. She in many standards is the gold standard of modern romantic comedies. Maybe I am exaggerating but I haven't seen any good romantic comedies since she retired. All the releases have Ben Stiller who is a pain, or Owen Wilson who is no less a pain. Most of the actresses in Hollywood are utterly incapable of playing the roles perfected by Meg Ryan. For some extra-ordinary reason they keep casting Eva Longoria (who cannot act) or Catherine Zeta Jones or some other atrocity of the same league. Well these days Julia Roberts and others of her generation do not appear to be doing much work. Well, as it happened I forgot the timings of the telecast and missed it. I am too lazy to go out to rent the movie, so I will probably just watch it the next time it is on.

I watched Kareena Kapoor's 'Jab We Met' on Sunday. I have to admit she can act. It was not as bad as I had feared it would be. It has taken bollywoodish liberalites but is still a good movie. Kareena Kapoor delivers and makes the role believable and contactable. I hope she does more work of the kind.

Ramayana has been going on. Yesterday Maricha advised Ravana not to attempt Sita's abduction. It is moronically obvious how it ends but I am enjoying reading it. I have always wondered why I feel the connection and appeal in English poetry that I read, like the connection I feel with Sanskrit or Hindi poetry. I don't experience similar issues with prose. I tend to get bored with English poetry and keep putting it off. The only English poem I read through at one go was 'Beowulf.' I think I was lucky not to have seen the movie in advance, for I am sure it would have ruined it. I remember reading Milton in school and feeling the same buy it has been a very long time. Maybe I should try Milton or Elliot again.

Done.

Today is July 02 of 2009

I have to admit I am feeling a little better. I started reading 'The Kama Sutra of Vatsayana'. It is nothing like I expected it to be. It is more clinical than bhakti sutras and brahma sutras that I have read. It is simple common sense and good advice everyone could use. I am again disheartened at my presumptions which were mostly due to western hippie versions of the same. I remember the episode where Joey challenges the 'Friends' that he can make anything sound dirty. The whole business of the american publications of kama sutra seems to have been no different. I have to admit 'Kama Sutra' the movie with Rekha did not help. I think I will see the movie in entirely new perspective after reading the text.

Next on my reading list is Henry Miller's 'Tropic of Cancer'. I have been waiting to read 'Plexus' the second book in his trilogy, buy have not been able to find it so far.

I started a project of my own on Project Gutenberg. I have made a list of indian books in english that I can promote for digitisation. As I do not have project manager rights yet, I have got some folks to help me out. This business of proof-reading for free is great. I get to read some really good books and of course get to talk or email with the most bookish book-worms in the world.

There hasn't been much rain. I am worried OFFICIALLY. The papers are full of warnings of drought, price-rise, electricity shortage and all sorts of bad stuff. I have been hoping they are exagerating as usual but I/we may not be so lucky this time.

I am forced to think and consider the writer course that I hoped to take. My mother thinks I should get to it at the earliest. I have been procrastraniting for way too long, but I have my reasons. It represents one of my last hopes and I am really not ready to take chances with it. This has left me almost frozen and lost. I think I can come to decision within this month.

I will be taking a optional exam on philosophy in maybe a month. I have to start preparations for it soon. It involves reading one sanskrit text on epistemology with eight commentaries. It shouldn't be difficuly as I have done similar things before but that thought doensn' t make it any easier.

Tomorrow is the first fast of the year. I have no special plans. I may go to get some initiations of some mantras. I obviousely cannot keep a strict fast as I have to take my pills.

My cousin is going to Rome. He is auditioning for a scholarship and seat in some music academy there. I had some reservations on his chances, and of course, did not express them. He seems to think he has a good chance. I have to admit I know as little about popular music as possible. I know only one pop star--Michael Jackson and now he is dead. The rest are more gossip column stars and controversy showpieces. I know literally nothing about their art. I may not be the best judge of his chances but do hope he makes it. He has sort of closed all other options for himself but this. To add to the problem his family is not particularly excited about his choices.

That's about it.

Post

Well the monsoon ain't coming. I heard yesterday that the monsoon will be greatly reduced to the El Nino effect. That pretty much seals my chanced of feeling better. I have always felt better when it rains. I know it is silly but, I do feel better. I have hoping for rains everyday for weeks when I got the news. Apart from all my personal misery it is not going to be pretty. I can look forward to power cuts, rising prices and all sorts of protests. Sometimes I wonder why do I ever bother to get up from bed everyday.



After I read 'Zorba tha greek' I decided to take a break and listen to some philosophy. This time I choose Tibetan Buddhist. The speaker was informed but not eloquent. I got quite a few ideas and am thinking I should get to reading the book on branches of Buddhist philosophy I picked up couple of months ago.



After the 'Madame Bovary' fiasco I decided to read '''happy''' books for a while. The next in line is 'The travels of Marco Polo'. He died in a prison and was probably a little insane at the time but I still think it is a good choice. I have to keep in mind that my reading list shouldn't get too '''happy'''.



I didn't get to watch many movies off late. I was busy with my exams and the World movies channel is having a Francoise Truffaut festival, most of which I have already watched. There were many blockbuster flicks on TV but I am averse to watching movies that others like. Slumdog Millionaire is on soon, and I haven't decided if I will watch it. I did watch Mithya on the Internet. It truly is Rajat Kapoor's masterpiece. He has managed to tell a story in a way you will remember it for a very long time. A certain must re-watch. I heard of a movie called 'Lars and the real girl' a year back or so. I have been a little scared to watch it. Well because it deals with a man falling in love (delusionaly, of course) with a doll. Apart from all the disgusting scenarios one can imagine it also kind of touched on one of my phobias. The big one, the fear of mannequins. I am watching the movie and am not particularly terrified. It is a rather simplistic representation of mental delusion. Not very impressive.



Ramayana and Garuda purana have not proceeded due to exams. I hope to catch up soon.



I am currently in the middle of a power cut and my UPS is running low.

So. That's it.

It's been a while

It has been a while since my last post. I have been through a bet of a depression crisis and am doing a little better off late. I think I can make time by Tuesday or Wednesday for a full post.

That's about it.

Some movies I watched

June is here. The monsoon was delayed due to cyclone Aila, it will probably set in today. I haven't studied much for my exams. I have already done a first study and will get back to revision 3 days from now.

I have started listening to e-books on my MP3 player. Currently listening to 'Zorba The Greek'. I do like the making of the plot. I tend to be suspicious of the authors that introduce the characters with 'romantic' idealism. I always prefer a plain and clinical entry into the plot. The best example would be Aki Karusmaki's movies. I really like the way he introduces men into the frame, as though they were a cup of tea. I watched his movie "The Match factory girl" yesterday. I really liked it. By the way I re-watched Attenborough's Gandhi, again. I am beginning to think it gets less interesting every time I watch it. I always felt he had done a OK job at capturing Gandhi's idealism in the movie, but am beginning to change my mind every time I watch the movie again. I also thought his "Chaplin" was too romantic and melodramatic. I read that Francoise Truffaut said "cinema is life improved". Well, I strongly feel that one can overdo any element of cinema like comedy, drama, tragedy but it should never over-state what we can call ""life"". The simplicity of things as they are should never be tampered with. That is the secret to good storytelling.

I watched "The Last Emperor" recently. I am yet to study the characters and background of the characteristics. It was impressive, that is something I have to admit. A well told tragedy. The ending was especially impressive. I don't think I would have liked a ending with a pathetic broken spirited man. The strength to overcome 'fate' is in every man, but alas it is not always his 'fate'.

Exams on the Way

I am feeling a little better today. My exams are coming up soon. I have studied reasonably and will need some revision. I think Arabian Nights is moving well. I have found a dude to help with my rock education. He has recommended Black Sabbath, Metallica and Pink Floyd to begin with. I have also got some AC/DC. Hope I will be able to make sense of them. I think I could listen form Chrys' listening lists too. Perhaps I will have the time and patience after my exams.

I am a little undecided about my reading list. I am torn between something Russian and something dystopian. I did consider at length to try and read something pleasant, but I cannot stay away from my kind of books for long.

My mother thinks I should start my writing course ASAP. I told her yesterday that taking a writing course will not fix me or my problems. I shouldn't attach unreasonable expectations to a simple course. She didn't like that line of thought. I am working very hard to detach unrealistic expectations form the course I may take because it will stress me otherwise and only make matters more difficult to handle.

I watched the movie Samsara (2001). Well I started and found on chapter 11 of the DVD that the subtitles are corrupted. I do not have a duplicate of the film. I either will have to download it again or watch it with the messed up subtitles. Well... Life is hard...

Lidia asked me for suggestions from Tarkovsky. I have watched many of his movies but never really appreciated his first. I have not watched 'The Steamroller and the Violin' in a very long time. I should download it at the earliest. I wonder why I forget the earlier works of an artist once I see the advanced and matured works he has produced later in life. I find the earlier works more interesting than anything else. This is true with Joyce, Hemingway, Sanjay Leela Bhansali, Mahesh Bhat, Satyajit Ray, Jackson Pollock and so many more. I wonder if losing interest in the beginnings and earlier works is a part of growing up oneself. If so, then I don't like it. Maybe, I could call it 'The portrait of me as a young man', but that is way too pretentious.

I haven't got to Ramayana and Garuda of late. I have eaten way too many eclairs and too little of fruits. I think I can fix that as I have got my fridge full of Jack-fruit now.

The elections are of course over and the results are out. The media coverage was so meticulous that it was numbing and I doubt anyone missed it.

Done.

stuff, jack-fruit, madame bovary and arabian nights and other nonsense

Well I have started reading The Arabian Nights. Madame Bovary was simply great. I finally pointed out what was bothering me, which was that of late I have been reading a lot of books without 'happy endings'. Hence I decided to read some fairy tales and childrens literature. Hence--Arabian Nights.

I had a bit of a scare when, I heard, Chrys was quitting her job. I replied quite passionately. Thankfully it was a false alarm. '''Poisonous in large doses.''' This may be unkind, but is the truth when it comes to faith and philosophy, more so in India than anywhere else. The movie 'The Darjelling Express' by the way is horrible. It has no script and no story and none what so ever of common sense. It is probably shot in Arizona or some where, they manage to find a desert on their way to darjelling. I am not disappointed about Owen Wilson, because he has made it a habit of doing bad movies. Adrian Broody is utterly lost. He is capable of acting, and is an entire waste in this movie. I have to admit giving him an oscar may have been a waste.

I had a few bad days of late. I am not as depressed today, as I was last week. My mother is convinced wearing a ring or Amethyst will make me better. I think, I will put on the ring more to avoid the argument over it, than curing the 'loonies' I have the honour of being plagued by.

I bought a jack-fruit yesterday. It was quite a challenge to open it. I have always felt calling the mango the king of the fruits is rather over-rated. I think people in other parts of the world may not join in the appreciation of the Indian mango. They might think of pears, or kiwi, or maybe some other exotic fruit. My answer to them is the Jack-fruit. I like it more than anything else. I take care not to tell anyone about this. I cannot risk people knowing that I like it. I have my reasons.

That's about it.

Today's Lunch, Yesterday's Party and some nonsense

Well the anniversary of my grand-father's death has past. I attended reluctantly and did not find is especially troubling. We also had a small party yesterday for my cousin who recently celebrated his birthday. I have to get back to my lessons and reading form today. I have been felling a little better of late. I could get up quite early today (at least in comparison to my bad days.) I have cooked a spread for lunch and am quite hungry now. I will sit down for lunch once I have studied some of my lessons.

Madame Bovary has not been easy to read. I have been busy the last couple of days and did not get much reading done. I will soon have a copy of Andrei Rublev (Tarkovsky) for myself. I have been downloading in from the Internet and am excited about it, although I have seen it twice. Ramayana has been stagnant.

The elections are coming to a close and it is only a few more days before we have the results. The usual chain of fantasies and thoughts have started in my head and I am trying not to fight them, at the same time trying not be consumed by them.

Today, tomorrow and some of next week

Things seem to be getting better. It is as hot as ever but surprisingly bearable. I finished Swann's Way. Loved it by the way. I immediately started Madame Bovary. As I said, I could use a minimalist author with a fewer pages.

I spoke to my sister. I has been years probably since the last time we spoke, although we have exchanged pleasantries often. She is reading Lolita. I had some advice for her. "You have to be patient and understanding with Nabokov." I told her. I am planning to read more or Nabokov. Perhaps some translation from Russian.

I finally decided to go ahead and start learning french. I first wanted to learn french when I was reading Tolstoy in 2006. He often introduces lines in french and I was at a loss, not being able to follow what he said. I tried to google translate those quotes but it was not easy or convenient. Obviously I took the shrinks opinion and yesterday decided to take the plunge. Hopefully I will get started soon. I think it will be a good start as I have always wanted to learn some languages, and french is the as good as any to start with, not to mention the airs I can throw, by quoting french at (in)opportune moments.

I have been studying at my own pace. I think I will finish in time for my exams in June. I should increase my study hours considerably for next year, and I really think I should get started with that ASAP. This week onwards I will be doubling my study hours. It is not much really, as I now study only for 1 or 2 hours a day.

Tomorrow is my grand fathers death anniversary. I have not decided if I will go to the ceremony. I think I should. I probably will. Being a little crazy gives me a lot more options than otherwise. The devil in me comes out oftener than earlier. I do believe in the ceremony but am not always at ease around people. Not to mention I will be tired beyond description. I am avoiding my grandmother too, well, because she refuses to listen to reason and I cannot stop reasoning. We are a bad match. I might benefit from skipping the thing as, most certainly, it will turn in a mud slinging family reunion festival.

I am thinking of having my personal ceremony for my grandfather. It, of course, will be during Bhadrapada month. It is very much a valid and reasonable pursuit, although no priest will have anything to do with it. I intend to go at it by myself. A simple ceremony. I should talk about it to some one and make some reminders, else I might forget it like many things I often forget. Being crazy sure has its benefits but I could do without the absent-mindedness.

Done.

Just some stuff

Well, the elections are over. The results are far away, and there is no use waiting. I have a peculiar need to hope for surprises and also am a big fan of underdog stories, so let us see what will happen.

I have come to the last chapter of Swann's. I didn't get much reading done over the weekend, as I kept watching TV. I haven't read Ramayana for a while, but I did read Garuda Purana (remember the post.) I have not listened to much music except on the radio, which I must admit was sort of OK.

I am feeling a little better these days. I had a bit of a crisis last week. I decided to stop all treatment and fire the shrink. Well (err..) wisdom prevailed. I am getting some studying done and am in a fairly good mood. I haven't done the exercises the shrink asked me to, I will do all I can before Wednesday.

That's about it.

Just Some Stuff

Tomorrow is election day. I haven't decided whom to vote for yet. I do have choices but remain undecided because it is a strange competition here in my constituency.

My exams are comming soon. I need to study a lot more now. I am not doing any better with the depression. I was hoping that the rain would make my moods lift. Well, that didn't happen. The rain has been sporadic. More sound and light than water or wettness. I guess it is rather too early for the monsoon to set in.

I am coming to the finish of Swann's Way. I am beginning to completely fall in love with Proust's writing. I had deciced to return to Guermante's Way in July. I think I will stick to that. I really could use some change is style. Some minimalist author would be great.

Yesterday I was reading Garuda Purana. I have always felt that scholars and priests, colour and distort ones faith beyond recognition. Most of the things I have been told and made to follow, I find now is just made up nonsense.

The Garuda Purana which is a hindu sacred text says, the wife has the right to decide when and how children to have. The husband has no say what-so-ever. That is really a fair stance seeing that it is she who goes through child-birth. It further goes on to say that the husband does not have the right to refuse intimacy with the wife when she is ovulating. We see many examples of this in history expecially Kashyapa and Diti. It is ordained that the woman has complete right to decide on the matters of child-birth.

These positions seem moronic and obvious to someone form the 21st century, but is radically different form what I have been taught and told all my life. I spent most of my life thinking that I need to make a compromise between religion and liberlism. Now I find out that religion, at least mine, is as liberal as one can get. I have found in most of my studies, of late, that no religion treats woman badly, it only the men of these religions that treat women badly. I am in a way glad that I have come to these realisations sooner than many others.

I intend to continue to study gender politics in religious context. I have always wanted to research the history of homo-phobia in oriental religions, I think I will come to that a little later.

I am seriousely considering serialising one of the books I am reading on a seperate blog. I am thinking Ramayana or The Bhavishya Purana would be ideal. I think a regular documentation of my readings would encourage me to keep up my reading schedule and stick to my timetable.

That's about it.

It Rained.....................

Yeah............. It rained...................
The world seems to make sense again.
It rained.................. Ya..ba..da..ba..doo.............

Everyday Ramblings

Well, nothing much has happened. I had a busy week last week, lot of work to do. This week may not be so hectic. The town is getting noisy due to the upcoming elections. I have to admit I am a little excited.

I have not got much reading done. I did finish the Jonny Cash collection. This world movie buff I wrote to replied. He obviousely knows more about these movies than I do. Hopefully I will get over myself and learn something.

A dear and famous monk died day before yesterday. His name was HH Sushameendra Theerta. He was a very pious man. He wasn't an erudite scholar or a expert or a particularly good speaker, but was nevertheless a greatly admired and followed man. He was almost the personification of what we call 'satvic' the inherent experssion of goodness.

I am not feeling particularly good today. I have a feeling of discomfort, not to mention the summer is not making it any easier.

That's about it.

Just some stuff

I have not been reading much. I have been listening to Johnny Cash. I kinda like it. Just went through a mega shrinking session and came out as crazy as ever. The summer is killing me. The heat has become unbearable. I am very disappointed that I cannot report any development in Ramayana because I haven't read any of it.

The guilt trap is working overtime these days. I haven't been able to study much, and that has been driving me crazy.

I heard of a Degas exhibition. I cannot remember where I heard about him. I don't remember Degas. Should I? Was he any good? Well , no time to think, I am too busy being crazy.

I hope to get some reading done this week. I might finish Proust's Swann's Way. I have Bochelli lined up to listen to soon.

Chrys asked me to suggest locations for her trip. I most probably am the most under qualified person to ask. Well she did. I could come up with something, it mustn't be very hard to do.

Trying to make new friends on the internet

That's what I have been doing. I found this korean couple that seem cool. Had a lot of pictures and seemed very likeable on their blog. I also found this american teenager but could not figure out how to leave a comment on her blog. Ironically enough I also found a blog template designer. She has a really snazzy blog template and I almost felt ashamed with my vanilla layout. Hopefully I will update my blog soon.

I really think I should put some pictures. I don't like being photographed, well actually I am scared of being photographed. I should work on that, get off my ass and take some shots.

Well it is April fool's day. Bad memories...............................Well better than no memories at least.

DONE.

I don't think I have much to say

I have been feeling miserable for the last few days for no particular reason. I felt today that I am angry. I haven't figured out why or at what. Most of my behavior and eccentricities stand explained with this. I am beginning to hope that this is a breakthrough in therapy. I have not discussed it with the shrink yet, but I like this self therapy. I play my own shrink and see how things go.

I had a bad moon on the festival. Ugadi is the new year in south India. We celebrated it on Friday. It started out fine, something went wrong at noon and I had an ugly scene with my mother in the evening. Nothing new of course.

I joined a chanting class recently. Today is the first class. I have always wanted to learn traditional Vedic chanting. It introduces a serenity into life that I have found now where else. I hope that goes well.

I have been tracking Chrys the backpacker. She made it to Sikkim. On one occasion I recommended a traveller I met, not to miss Sikkim. He asked me if I had been there. I have not. In fact I have never left Bangalore. Claustrophobia, Agoraphobia .....blah..blah.....He was not impressed by the travel suggestions of someone who never travelled. I understood.

I heard of this church in the city of Riga, in Latvia I think. I watched on TV that they have been building is for 400 years. I was bombed and fell on its own accord several times, but they still kept building it. It is still unfinished and construction continues. I hope to see that church someday. If someone in Riga would take a minute and , please smile at that building once for me, it would mean a lot to me.

That's about it.

Is everyone on this planet, in a constant existential crisis? I think they are. At least I hope they are. I have spent every moment of my life I remember, in doubt of '''the purpose of life.''' Sometimes the purpose of purpose itself. I find it comforting to think that I am not alone,and that the world is with me in this crises. Pessimist that I am, always sceptical and suspicious.

I watched 'When Nietzsche Wept' yesterday on my computer. Mediocre movie, mediocre actors,... well you get the picture. I have to say the characters are certainly not mediocre. A few of the greatest men to walk on this planet share their anguish and fallacies with common loons and crack-pots. Am I alone?

I listen to music and wonder, if music is liberating--what does it liberate? The header in my blog is 'Scream' by Edvard Munch-- a very thought out choice. Every moment of waking and dreaming asks me--Am I alone?

Are my nightmares different for my sweet dreams? Sometimes not. I have felt everything melt into a singular dream, a singular expression of hollowness, that asks--Am I alone?

This slowing getting boring and repetitive, not to mention absurd. I realised that a couple of years back. I have changed since then, and I am not sure for better or worse. I have spent most of the last three years trying to figure out the answer. "Was I crazy then and am sane now, or was I sane then and am crazy now." I don't think I am meant to answer that question. I delude myself with grandeur and greatness of this quest. Perhaps that is all I am.

Not much has happened

Well my computer crashed and I was a little lost. It took me two days to get it fixed. I have not been doing too well in the meantime. The moods have returned. I cannot study. And worst of all I fell a little crazy (not it a good way.) I am still thinking about the stuff about '''getting''' music. I would be really glad if I could understand it and more than anything enjoy it. God willing I will some day.

I have been busy doing nothing for the past couple of days. I made a big fuss over fixing the ball-valve in my flush tank. I stayed awake half of last night obsessing over it. I have decided to take it a little easy today. I have been hoping to watch some movies. I probably could watch 'Samsara' on my computer today. I hear it is pretty good and especially known for its cinematography.

OK

Music and I

I have never been much of a music admirer. Recently I have been following the blog of an American and I have realised how little I know about popular music. As I may have mentioned I visited a cousin recently and he is really into music. He plans to become a musician and is practically in love with Bono. Talking to him only strengthened my suspicions. My understanding of classical forms too is limited. I play the violin tolerably. I listen to music now and then. I manage to rat out names and technical terms that make most people shut-up. But I have always known that I don't know my music.

I once heard that babies learn to admire music as early as in the womb. My mother is not much of a music person. Well, I at once declared, that is reason enough to blame her for my handicap. I fancy I know my literature and movies. Well I am convinced that I do. I can get into the director's mind and think why he picked a scene over another or why a word is best used. I am reading Proust and I see the importance of each and every word. How one word less or more would reconfigure what the author intends to tell. Well I cannot get music like that.

Listening to music is one thing, but getting it is a whole new thing. Anybody can learn a few lines or sing a few songs. To admire the creativity of an artist demands that I too become one. It probably is fair that I get some things and not get others. I should not expect to master every science and admire every art. I was really tempted to ask my cousin to tutor me in musical appreciation. Perhaps just suggest songs to listen to. I must admit I have heard 'Give peace a chance' by Lennon and nothing else. A few anti-war pieces and slogans which have become fashionable again recently. I can recognise Madonna and Britney Spears but that really doesn't count (I may not know music, but I am not stupid.)

Well I have been considering asking Chrys the American to suggest some songs. Pride is a man's greatest friend and also his cruelest enemy. I probably will never get music. I probably will continue to bluff my way through a lot of conversations will big words and fancy observations. Will I be at a loss? I think so. Will I overcome? I doubt it. Should I try? Duh...

So here it goes.

I hear by cordially invite anyone to tutor me in music. Absolutely anything, in any kind of music. Appreciation? hell yeah. History? Oh! yes. I must warn you I know nothing. I have heard some mediocre Bollywood songs, some great Carnatic music without appreciating it much, some Hindustani, with little consequence, jazz I don't know ABC, Rock I am as ignorant as an ass, and please don't get me started on other classical and modern forms. So anyone who is up for the challenge... bring it on. I am willing to return the favour by talking about what I know about literature and cinema, if you are interested.

That's about it.

Back from Hosaritti in one piece.

Well the trip went fine. It was easier and simpler than I imagined it would be. I tend to make doomsday prediction over everything I plan to do, and make it impossible for me to relax and enjoy whatever it is. It has, I think, something to do with prolonged depression. I find it difficult to imagine that a trip needs to be only a trip, and not a life changing choice. I probably need to just flush the crap and get on with things.
The trip, returning to the subject, was quite good. I had a great lunch. I must admit I remember most the significant incidents and many of the insignificant ones indexed by what I ate on that day. I didn't sleep well on the up journey. I had never travelled on the route before and was scared I would miss my station. I stayed up for most hours of the night. The return journey was much easier. I slept like a baby and was pleaseantly relexed today morning. I am now in desperate need of a good bath.

Among others I met the junior pontiff of Mantralaya and the pontiff of Tambhalli. The Tambhalli monk although not as much in demand seemed more pious and divinely simple to me. The temple I visited is quite large although recently built. They achieved a respectable balance between spiritual, ritualistic and social events on the agenda. I must admit I have not been impressed earlier in this regard.

The tomb of Saint Dheerendra Theerta was smaller than I thought it would be. I must find out the story behind his name. I am beginning to hope that there is an ammusing story behind it.
In conclusion, the food was great, I slept well last night and managed not to die and also managed not to wish I was dead.

That's about it.

Yaaaahooo

Again the Shammi Kapoor one, not the Internet company.

Thanks to Lidia from Australia and Chrys wandering somewhere in India.

I must admit I am feeling a little better. My head is beginning to twirl with stories again. I haven't written anything. This blog is all that I have written of late. Monotony has never scared me. I sometimes prefer it. However I currently am doing nothing and and feeling better. Perhaps I could get back to my routine once I return from Hosaritti.

I have always tried to dodge the aspect of mortality and suffering. I never visited people in hospitals. Still try to avoid it. The case of my grandfather was no different. I avoided visiting him after he was diagnosed with cancer. After a few days I felt better. I assumed that my depression had driven me in that direction. I immediately visited him. I shall never regret it. He however, as fate would have it, passed on a few weeks later. As I have already said I was with him for most of his last day.

Again when one of my uncles was diagnosed with cancer I withdrew into a shell. I didn't speak to anyone for several weeks. Then I did speak to him and promised him that I would chant and pray for him. In the end he did get better and we are still on very good terms. I am scared what I would do if I am faced with a similar situation with an immediate family member.

I once heard 'Being brave is a choice.' I hope I shall make the right choice.

I don't mean to sound deep or profound. I am (un)fortunate enough to think like this most of my life. I doubt if I have ever made a simple choice. I once remarked to a friend while recommending he read 'The Story of O', "You can be certain that you will not find a dying priest in it." 'O' is a erotic novel of the late 20th century. One of my favourites. I think, I like it because it explores human behavior and choices devoid of celestial or existential blah! blah! May be I am mistaken. I often am.

PS. Don't read 'The Story of O' if you are underage.

The song that tormented me for most of my short life, and few other things of some consequence

The song you are listening to is a song that tormented me for several years. I remember as a child, listening to this song being played every Friday in a open air theater near my house. For several unfortunate reasons it reveals several scars that should have not been there. At the end I do not feel exhausted, for I never felt drained at the end of the song. This song has a very positive feel in my heart.

It says 'I am an angel, do not touch me, I have come from the stars, do not touch me.'

I do not see any obvious reasons that should make me feel good about listening to this song, but nevertheless I do. I have searched for several years to find this song. I practically drove my brother crazy asking him to find this song. And as luck would have it I found it one fine afternoon on the net. I don't know how in shall make you feel. I do not expect any extraordinary reactions, but I still like listening to it.

Often it the garden we find sweet fruits with bitter seeds. What would we do in we found bitter fruits with sweet seeds. I am not sure. If I ever find the answer, I am sure that it shall have something to do with this song and what it means to me.

By the way I have had a eventful weekend, at least by my standards. I visited my uncle and his family. I literally socialised my ass off. I haven't got much far ahead with Proust. I am afraid there has been no change in the depression. I am still waiting to feel better. That is probably a positive sign because at my worst I don't ever expect to feel better.

That's about it then.

Yaaaahooooo......
(The Shammi Kapoor one , not the Internet company)

today and leftovers of yesterday

Well I had quite a day yesterday. I had a panic attack first thing in the morning, and had to cancel everything I had planned. I still got to watch Paolo Passolini's 'Salo'. It is not pleasant to watch, I must admit, but I wanted and orientation before I started to read Marquis de Sade. Passolini has done a very good job in representing sadism as an art and reinterpreting it to WW2 scenario. I have not got much forward with Proust but am progressing with Ramayana. The things for the trip I have been planning are slowly falling into place. Hopefully that will go as planned.

I have to admit that being depressed is not all that bad. It has its lows, but it has its perks. The last few days have been quite tolerable unlike others when I was in a good mood. I hope this continues.

Don Quixote, Swann's Way , Being There and other things

It has been quite some time. Although I have been following some blogs, I have not been posting. I have now made a firm resolve to blog and post at least 5 times a week.

I finished Don Quixote. It was wonderful. It is a truly uplifting book. The first volume is almost entirely devoted to satire, but the second volume is slow and simple. It is clearly a much more mature and delicate narration. I would recommend Don Quixote to everyone. It is a bit too long. It took me almost a month to finish both volumes.

I went into a depressive phase after Don Quixote. I don’t think he is to blame. I have been feeling dopey the last few weeks and it finally hit. I have been doing everything I can to fight it, but little has worked. I am now at a standstill. I think I will need a few more weeks.

I started reading Proust…finally. Swann’s Way is quite heavy reading. I plan to read Proust in parts. I hope to get back to the second Volume later in the year. Meanwhile Swann’s is a lot more profound than I expected it to be. I must admit I often overuse the word ‘profound’ but this is for real. Every line is measured madness. Skipping even a single line leaves you without bearing. Reading it is hard work. I wonder how writing it must have been.

Meanwhile ‘Ramayana’ has been going on. Bharata has found Rama in the jungle and is now trying to convince him to come back. I am taking this as slowly as possible. I am afraid my Sanskrit is not good enough.

I sat down to watch 'Being There' again. It is much better the second time. Clearly, Peter Sellers best work. I still haven't found Jerzy Kosinski's original novel. I have, now, almost given up trying. May be it is not meant to be.

I booked tickets for my trip to Hosaritti today. I don’t know what to expect there. I am scared if I will be able to manage and, come out looking as a sane person. LH tried to convince me to go ahead, no matter what.

That’s about it.

The Dedication

Among the castles I have been building in air, one of them is a best-selling novel dedicated 'To the one I am yet to find'. I thought it would be an ideal dual refrence to the happiness and faith, both I am yet to find.

I always thought it odd that, girls dreamt of a prince charming , one who would come on a white horse and take you away to a land far far away and live happily ever after. When I was desperated and depressed enough to start dreaming of ' happily ever after' as a reason to get up in the morning some how I conjured up an idea of a princess.

I argued to myself , if a girl can dream about a prince, why can I not, dream of a princess. I talk to my princess daily. She likes surprises. She it moody and tempermental. A little insane, just as I like it. I refer to my princess as "SHE" before my shrink. My princess gives my more comfort than anyone ever did. Apparently there is still a lot of shrinking to be done.

I am reading Don Quixote. I have prided myself of my intelligence almost everyday since I remember. But ..... ignorance is bliss. Is Don happy? Is Forest Gump happy? Is Dustin Hoffman in Rainman happy?. I like to believe they are. If not them, then who else.

'I will never feel better' is a conclusion, I arrived at one evening while riding in a bus in 2002 . I doubt if I have 'lived' even a single day since. Now I am beginning to wonder I 'lived' a single day before that either.

It is difficult to try to be happy when you don't know what happiness is.