30 March 2009

I don't think I have much to say

I have been feeling miserable for the last few days for no particular reason. I felt today that I am angry. I haven't figured out why or at what. Most of my behavior and eccentricities stand explained with this. I am beginning to hope that this is a breakthrough in therapy. I have not discussed it with the shrink yet, but I like this self therapy. I play my own shrink and see how things go.

I had a bad moon on the festival. Ugadi is the new year in south India. We celebrated it on Friday. It started out fine, something went wrong at noon and I had an ugly scene with my mother in the evening. Nothing new of course.

I joined a chanting class recently. Today is the first class. I have always wanted to learn traditional Vedic chanting. It introduces a serenity into life that I have found now where else. I hope that goes well.

I have been tracking Chrys the backpacker. She made it to Sikkim. On one occasion I recommended a traveller I met, not to miss Sikkim. He asked me if I had been there. I have not. In fact I have never left Bangalore. Claustrophobia, Agoraphobia .....blah..blah.....He was not impressed by the travel suggestions of someone who never travelled. I understood.

I heard of this church in the city of Riga, in Latvia I think. I watched on TV that they have been building is for 400 years. I was bombed and fell on its own accord several times, but they still kept building it. It is still unfinished and construction continues. I hope to see that church someday. If someone in Riga would take a minute and , please smile at that building once for me, it would mean a lot to me.

That's about it.

19 March 2009

Is everyone on this planet, in a constant existential crisis? I think they are. At least I hope they are. I have spent every moment of my life I remember, in doubt of '''the purpose of life.''' Sometimes the purpose of purpose itself. I find it comforting to think that I am not alone,and that the world is with me in this crises. Pessimist that I am, always sceptical and suspicious.

I watched 'When Nietzsche Wept' yesterday on my computer. Mediocre movie, mediocre actors,... well you get the picture. I have to say the characters are certainly not mediocre. A few of the greatest men to walk on this planet share their anguish and fallacies with common loons and crack-pots. Am I alone?

I listen to music and wonder, if music is liberating--what does it liberate? The header in my blog is 'Scream' by Edvard Munch-- a very thought out choice. Every moment of waking and dreaming asks me--Am I alone?

Are my nightmares different for my sweet dreams? Sometimes not. I have felt everything melt into a singular dream, a singular expression of hollowness, that asks--Am I alone?

This slowing getting boring and repetitive, not to mention absurd. I realised that a couple of years back. I have changed since then, and I am not sure for better or worse. I have spent most of the last three years trying to figure out the answer. "Was I crazy then and am sane now, or was I sane then and am crazy now." I don't think I am meant to answer that question. I delude myself with grandeur and greatness of this quest. Perhaps that is all I am.

18 March 2009

Not much has happened

Well my computer crashed and I was a little lost. It took me two days to get it fixed. I have not been doing too well in the meantime. The moods have returned. I cannot study. And worst of all I fell a little crazy (not it a good way.) I am still thinking about the stuff about '''getting''' music. I would be really glad if I could understand it and more than anything enjoy it. God willing I will some day.

I have been busy doing nothing for the past couple of days. I made a big fuss over fixing the ball-valve in my flush tank. I stayed awake half of last night obsessing over it. I have decided to take it a little easy today. I have been hoping to watch some movies. I probably could watch 'Samsara' on my computer today. I hear it is pretty good and especially known for its cinematography.

OK

13 March 2009

Music and I

I have never been much of a music admirer. Recently I have been following the blog of an American and I have realised how little I know about popular music. As I may have mentioned I visited a cousin recently and he is really into music. He plans to become a musician and is practically in love with Bono. Talking to him only strengthened my suspicions. My understanding of classical forms too is limited. I play the violin tolerably. I listen to music now and then. I manage to rat out names and technical terms that make most people shut-up. But I have always known that I don't know my music.

I once heard that babies learn to admire music as early as in the womb. My mother is not much of a music person. Well, I at once declared, that is reason enough to blame her for my handicap. I fancy I know my literature and movies. Well I am convinced that I do. I can get into the director's mind and think why he picked a scene over another or why a word is best used. I am reading Proust and I see the importance of each and every word. How one word less or more would reconfigure what the author intends to tell. Well I cannot get music like that.

Listening to music is one thing, but getting it is a whole new thing. Anybody can learn a few lines or sing a few songs. To admire the creativity of an artist demands that I too become one. It probably is fair that I get some things and not get others. I should not expect to master every science and admire every art. I was really tempted to ask my cousin to tutor me in musical appreciation. Perhaps just suggest songs to listen to. I must admit I have heard 'Give peace a chance' by Lennon and nothing else. A few anti-war pieces and slogans which have become fashionable again recently. I can recognise Madonna and Britney Spears but that really doesn't count (I may not know music, but I am not stupid.)

Well I have been considering asking Chrys the American to suggest some songs. Pride is a man's greatest friend and also his cruelest enemy. I probably will never get music. I probably will continue to bluff my way through a lot of conversations will big words and fancy observations. Will I be at a loss? I think so. Will I overcome? I doubt it. Should I try? Duh...

So here it goes.

I hear by cordially invite anyone to tutor me in music. Absolutely anything, in any kind of music. Appreciation? hell yeah. History? Oh! yes. I must warn you I know nothing. I have heard some mediocre Bollywood songs, some great Carnatic music without appreciating it much, some Hindustani, with little consequence, jazz I don't know ABC, Rock I am as ignorant as an ass, and please don't get me started on other classical and modern forms. So anyone who is up for the challenge... bring it on. I am willing to return the favour by talking about what I know about literature and cinema, if you are interested.

That's about it.

12 March 2009

Back from Hosaritti in one piece.

Well the trip went fine. It was easier and simpler than I imagined it would be. I tend to make doomsday prediction over everything I plan to do, and make it impossible for me to relax and enjoy whatever it is. It has, I think, something to do with prolonged depression. I find it difficult to imagine that a trip needs to be only a trip, and not a life changing choice. I probably need to just flush the crap and get on with things.
The trip, returning to the subject, was quite good. I had a great lunch. I must admit I remember most the significant incidents and many of the insignificant ones indexed by what I ate on that day. I didn't sleep well on the up journey. I had never travelled on the route before and was scared I would miss my station. I stayed up for most hours of the night. The return journey was much easier. I slept like a baby and was pleaseantly relexed today morning. I am now in desperate need of a good bath.

Among others I met the junior pontiff of Mantralaya and the pontiff of Tambhalli. The Tambhalli monk although not as much in demand seemed more pious and divinely simple to me. The temple I visited is quite large although recently built. They achieved a respectable balance between spiritual, ritualistic and social events on the agenda. I must admit I have not been impressed earlier in this regard.

The tomb of Saint Dheerendra Theerta was smaller than I thought it would be. I must find out the story behind his name. I am beginning to hope that there is an ammusing story behind it.
In conclusion, the food was great, I slept well last night and managed not to die and also managed not to wish I was dead.

That's about it.

6 March 2009

Yaaaahooo

Again the Shammi Kapoor one, not the Internet company.

Thanks to Lidia from Australia and Chrys wandering somewhere in India.

I must admit I am feeling a little better. My head is beginning to twirl with stories again. I haven't written anything. This blog is all that I have written of late. Monotony has never scared me. I sometimes prefer it. However I currently am doing nothing and and feeling better. Perhaps I could get back to my routine once I return from Hosaritti.

I have always tried to dodge the aspect of mortality and suffering. I never visited people in hospitals. Still try to avoid it. The case of my grandfather was no different. I avoided visiting him after he was diagnosed with cancer. After a few days I felt better. I assumed that my depression had driven me in that direction. I immediately visited him. I shall never regret it. He however, as fate would have it, passed on a few weeks later. As I have already said I was with him for most of his last day.

Again when one of my uncles was diagnosed with cancer I withdrew into a shell. I didn't speak to anyone for several weeks. Then I did speak to him and promised him that I would chant and pray for him. In the end he did get better and we are still on very good terms. I am scared what I would do if I am faced with a similar situation with an immediate family member.

I once heard 'Being brave is a choice.' I hope I shall make the right choice.

I don't mean to sound deep or profound. I am (un)fortunate enough to think like this most of my life. I doubt if I have ever made a simple choice. I once remarked to a friend while recommending he read 'The Story of O', "You can be certain that you will not find a dying priest in it." 'O' is a erotic novel of the late 20th century. One of my favourites. I think, I like it because it explores human behavior and choices devoid of celestial or existential blah! blah! May be I am mistaken. I often am.

PS. Don't read 'The Story of O' if you are underage.

4 March 2009

The song that tormented me for most of my short life, and few other things of some consequence

The song you are listening to is a song that tormented me for several years. I remember as a child, listening to this song being played every Friday in a open air theater near my house. For several unfortunate reasons it reveals several scars that should have not been there. At the end I do not feel exhausted, for I never felt drained at the end of the song. This song has a very positive feel in my heart.

It says 'I am an angel, do not touch me, I have come from the stars, do not touch me.'

I do not see any obvious reasons that should make me feel good about listening to this song, but nevertheless I do. I have searched for several years to find this song. I practically drove my brother crazy asking him to find this song. And as luck would have it I found it one fine afternoon on the net. I don't know how in shall make you feel. I do not expect any extraordinary reactions, but I still like listening to it.

Often it the garden we find sweet fruits with bitter seeds. What would we do in we found bitter fruits with sweet seeds. I am not sure. If I ever find the answer, I am sure that it shall have something to do with this song and what it means to me.

By the way I have had a eventful weekend, at least by my standards. I visited my uncle and his family. I literally socialised my ass off. I haven't got much far ahead with Proust. I am afraid there has been no change in the depression. I am still waiting to feel better. That is probably a positive sign because at my worst I don't ever expect to feel better.

That's about it then.

Yaaaahooooo......
(The Shammi Kapoor one , not the Internet company)