today and leftovers of yesterday

Well I had quite a day yesterday. I had a panic attack first thing in the morning, and had to cancel everything I had planned. I still got to watch Paolo Passolini's 'Salo'. It is not pleasant to watch, I must admit, but I wanted and orientation before I started to read Marquis de Sade. Passolini has done a very good job in representing sadism as an art and reinterpreting it to WW2 scenario. I have not got much forward with Proust but am progressing with Ramayana. The things for the trip I have been planning are slowly falling into place. Hopefully that will go as planned.

I have to admit that being depressed is not all that bad. It has its lows, but it has its perks. The last few days have been quite tolerable unlike others when I was in a good mood. I hope this continues.

Don Quixote, Swann's Way , Being There and other things

It has been quite some time. Although I have been following some blogs, I have not been posting. I have now made a firm resolve to blog and post at least 5 times a week.

I finished Don Quixote. It was wonderful. It is a truly uplifting book. The first volume is almost entirely devoted to satire, but the second volume is slow and simple. It is clearly a much more mature and delicate narration. I would recommend Don Quixote to everyone. It is a bit too long. It took me almost a month to finish both volumes.

I went into a depressive phase after Don Quixote. I don’t think he is to blame. I have been feeling dopey the last few weeks and it finally hit. I have been doing everything I can to fight it, but little has worked. I am now at a standstill. I think I will need a few more weeks.

I started reading Proust…finally. Swann’s Way is quite heavy reading. I plan to read Proust in parts. I hope to get back to the second Volume later in the year. Meanwhile Swann’s is a lot more profound than I expected it to be. I must admit I often overuse the word ‘profound’ but this is for real. Every line is measured madness. Skipping even a single line leaves you without bearing. Reading it is hard work. I wonder how writing it must have been.

Meanwhile ‘Ramayana’ has been going on. Bharata has found Rama in the jungle and is now trying to convince him to come back. I am taking this as slowly as possible. I am afraid my Sanskrit is not good enough.

I sat down to watch 'Being There' again. It is much better the second time. Clearly, Peter Sellers best work. I still haven't found Jerzy Kosinski's original novel. I have, now, almost given up trying. May be it is not meant to be.

I booked tickets for my trip to Hosaritti today. I don’t know what to expect there. I am scared if I will be able to manage and, come out looking as a sane person. LH tried to convince me to go ahead, no matter what.

That’s about it.

The Dedication

Among the castles I have been building in air, one of them is a best-selling novel dedicated 'To the one I am yet to find'. I thought it would be an ideal dual refrence to the happiness and faith, both I am yet to find.

I always thought it odd that, girls dreamt of a prince charming , one who would come on a white horse and take you away to a land far far away and live happily ever after. When I was desperated and depressed enough to start dreaming of ' happily ever after' as a reason to get up in the morning some how I conjured up an idea of a princess.

I argued to myself , if a girl can dream about a prince, why can I not, dream of a princess. I talk to my princess daily. She likes surprises. She it moody and tempermental. A little insane, just as I like it. I refer to my princess as "SHE" before my shrink. My princess gives my more comfort than anyone ever did. Apparently there is still a lot of shrinking to be done.

I am reading Don Quixote. I have prided myself of my intelligence almost everyday since I remember. But ..... ignorance is bliss. Is Don happy? Is Forest Gump happy? Is Dustin Hoffman in Rainman happy?. I like to believe they are. If not them, then who else.

'I will never feel better' is a conclusion, I arrived at one evening while riding in a bus in 2002 . I doubt if I have 'lived' even a single day since. Now I am beginning to wonder I 'lived' a single day before that either.

It is difficult to try to be happy when you don't know what happiness is.

Today and a little of Yesterday

Are we living in an unfair or an unkind world?

The holiday season is here. Every where I see greetings. I do not celebrate Christmas, but cannot help think of this or any other festivals that I do celebrate. When depressed I have always told myself the world is unkind. It is not my fault that I am miserable. Could the universes be conspiring against me? As much as I try to convince myself that, I come to believe the contrary. Can I shrink myself into being happy? Can I be happy?

I do everything I am supposed to do. I will continue to everything I am supposed to do. I will live my life. Is it to the ''''fullest'''' is not a question I can answer.Hopefully someday someone will answer it for me.

Once in a youthful zeal I had declared that 'The best kind of happiness, is that when you are not trying to be happy.' Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was right. It doesn't matter, for I have realised that, the answer does not matter. Very little does when you are happy.

long time no blog

I haven't been writing for a while. I am also thinking of taking a Writer's bureau course.
Hopefully I will have a story ready by next week.